I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
