Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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