its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
