I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
