just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
