So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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