I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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