Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize