my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
