i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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