census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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