Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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