why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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