I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
