just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Welp...herpes.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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