so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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