grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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