We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The beer is more important than you right now.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
