captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
