There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
two words: eviction party
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize