I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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