I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
