hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
