Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
