I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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