I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
