I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
