Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
