I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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