I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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