Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
