the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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