and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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