just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
