I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
