she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
