I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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