Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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