I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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