Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
