Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you inspire me to be a worse person
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
