So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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