he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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