I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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