i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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