There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
