Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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