from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
