The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
