high people should be assigned attendants
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
