The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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