Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
