a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
