my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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