I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
