and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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