we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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